The Power of Forgiving Yourself

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate marketing links, meaning I get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through my links, at no cost to you. Please review our terms of use and privacy policy for more info.

Forgiving yourself can be hard. Even harder when you don’t know that you need to forgive yourself for something. I came to a hard realization tonight while looking at my memories that I had never forgiven myself for something that I did 8 years ago. Honestly, I had shoved it so far into the back of my brain that it took me a second to even realize what that particular Facebook memory was about.

Then it hit me.

And I knew exactly what it was about and a wave of embarrassment washed over me all over again.

In my head, I instantly started to do what I had done for so many years, shove it to the back and never think about it again. Until I realized that it was actually a pivotal event in my life that had been subconsciously affecting my decisions for the last 8 years. It inevitably changed my path and who I was. I had spent so long running from it, not talking about it and not even thinking about it that I had never processed it so I wasn’t able to heal.

Curious what I did, aren’t ya?

Well…I let down my community after a tragedy shook my hometown to the core.

The Pivotal Event That Subconsciously Shaped My Life

I started a movement in support of someone local and was very, very public about it. I ended up partnering with a local business to have some signage produced for members of our community for when President Obama came to our town.

And then I left town with a friend for a quick there and back trip. They knew I had to be back before a certain time before I ever agreed to go. I hopped in the car and away we went. Much to my dismay and against all of my protests, we didn’t make it back before then. Worst of all, I had no cell service so I was unable to contact anyone to push the product out.

It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone. I knew better than to put my trust and fate into this particular friend’s hands. It was my fault. I thought there was no way this could be messed up. Plus, they wouldn’t screw me over like that, or so I thought. I was wrong.

Instead of dealing with it when I returned home, I hid. Shut myself out from the world. I was incredibly embarrassed that I managed to screw up such a meaningful project at a time that my community needed each other the most. And it has remained locked up since.

The Fear of Failure: How My Mistake Altered My Path

I realized tonight though that since that incident I have not been involved in the community the way I used to be. I went from someone who regularly volunteered and assisted in co-founding a nonprofit organization to having a more private life and working at for-profit companies. My days became routine. I wasn’t excited about life anymore. It was get up, go to work, get off work, happy hour, home, and repeat.

I was bland. My excitement for life was gone.

If you ask my friends they would likely say differently because I was always going, but I stopped putting myself out there. I stopped being involved with the community. I was hesitant to volunteer for things. All because I never wanted to put myself into a situation where I could let other people down like that. Afraid of reliving the shame and embarrassment, I wouldn’t even think or talk about it because of how badly it upset me.

From Hiding to Healing: My Journey to Self-Forgiveness

I have never forgiven myself for it and it caused my fear of failure to go from a minor to a major fear. One that I didn’t even know that I had, until last night. Now that I am aware of it though, I can work towards processing it. Forgiving myself for my future depends on it. I’m not there yet, but I am better than I was yesterday. Progress is all that matters.

The truth is at 20-22 years old I wouldn’t have cared what anyone thought about anything that I did because I was surrounded by positive and supportive people. I ended up surrounding myself with people who were okay with settling and leading a boring life, something I had never wanted for myself. With absolutely nothing going for me, I started to become overweight. I was turning into another basic b*tch. Not something that I ever wanted to do.

Moving Forward: Accepting and Forgiving Yourself

So, if there is something that you avoid talking about or dealing with at all, you need to take a moment to process it. Stop waiting for the time to be right, for work to slow down, for someone to be there to hold you. Life is never going to slow down and no one is coming to save you. You have to do this. You need to process it because it might be the very thing holding you back from creating your dream life.

It’s also perfectly normal to have it suppressed in the back of your mind that you have completely forgotten about it and that’s okay. One day it will show back up though and it will hit you like a ton of bricks. Just make sure you process it and forgive yourself when that day comes.

Forgiving yourself can be hard. Especially if you don’t know where to begin. Journaling is a proven way to help understand yourself better that can help you find forgiveness. I found the Journey app was a huge help in understanding myself and my feelings with their journaling programs and journaling templates. The app is free to use, but the programs and templates available are limited unless you buy the Pro version, which is reasonably priced. You can also free-write if you have something. Available on the web, Google Play, and Apple. You can find out more about the app and programs here.

As for my predicament, I may not have completely forgiven myself yet, but I am getting there.

Never forget that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. Remember to forgive yourself often.